


Tedd's Head

by kathyshadow



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: Belonging, F/M, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 11:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10615995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathyshadow/pseuds/kathyshadow
Summary: Tedd talks to his therapist, Elliot, and Sarah about his gender.





	1. Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> The [comic for February 24 2017](http://www.egscomics.com/index.php?id=2315) seemed to resolve Tedd's dilemma about which gender to pick while there was a possibility that he could lose his new ability, but it left me wanting more. While it's looking increasingly likely that Dan's handing Tedd a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the upcoming magic changes (if they happen), in the meantime I wanted to explore Tedd's psyche some more and ponder on what it must be like to be genderqueer in a world where you're given the opportunity to change your body on demand.
> 
> The style is a little different to what I'd usually write. I wanted to explore character dialog, so there's minimal exposition. Let me know if it's confusing to track the conversation and I'll see what I can do.
> 
>  **Continuity note:** This story takes place in the current official continuity as of 13 April 2017. I've had to create a bit of backstory for Elliot, but I've kept it as vague as possible. 
> 
> Thanks again to the EGS Wiki contributors for allowing me to avoid clicking through literally years of comics for the sake of a few days. Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> Lastly, for this story (and my others), I've tried to be as sensitive as possible with regards to the issues covered, but _if I've screwed up anything, either with cack-handed stereotypes, offensive turns of phrases, or anything else, please let me know, and I'll fix it._

**Monday evening**  
_The office of Tedd's in-the-know therapist_

"So this thing about magic maybe changing."

"Yes."

"It's pulled a lot of issues into focus for me. When I can switch physical gender at a whim, I can ignore the fact that I don't feel quite right in either. As a guy, I feel distant from my female friends, and as a girl... well... I find my relationship with male friends changes too. Not least because I find myself attracted to him. Them."

"Attraction isn't necessarily a bad thing. Do you feel attracted to your female friends when you're male?"

"Yes, and, well, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. I'm lucky that my friendships have survived that, but I don't want to risk my relationship with my male friends.

"And worse, I don't feel like I can talk to Grace about this. Her sexuality is totally different to mine. But the thing is that when I'm female, she often chooses to be male, and while I hate to admit it, that makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Would you be less reluctant to stay in female form if it weren't for these issues?"

Tedd sighed. "I don't know. Sometimes I'll get home from school, fed up with my gender -- honestly, I just hate being around most other guys, especially in groups. It's so... testosteroney. So I'll get home, switch to female, but then I just feel silly for doing so, and change back again. I don't know if I'm running _from_ being male or running _to_ being female."

"You're not sure of your motives."

"Exactly! Plus when I'm out as female in public -- and admittedly I haven't done that much -- people treat me differently. It bothers me that they do. And I don't know which I prefer. I'm definitely more used to being treated as male, but that doesn't make it right for me. And it's ridiculous that I'm having to weigh up not only what my own internal image of myself is but also the way I want other people to perceive me."

"I understand. We live in a very gendered society. It's difficult for those who don't fit into one of the two boxes."

"I guess at least I'm aware of the fact that I don't want to be in either box. Those who do fit -- I see this in Elliot from time to time -- they get, well, boxed in. I think that's why he used to pick fights so often. He feels he has to act a certain way. I think in his own way, his own gender transformations give him an outlet for that. Maybe that's why he keeps getting new female forms." Tedd shook his head. "Sorry, I'm not here to muse about Elliot."

"Do you envy Elliot?"

"Envy him? I hadn't really thought about it. I... well, I envy everyone who fits comfortably into their gender. It's nice to have a box to fit into, even if you're not always in it. A societal consensus on how you should behave; behaviour that it's actually possible to emulate. Society lets Elliot can get away with getting into fights because he's a 'normal' guy. Can you imagine how people would react if I picked a fight? If I suddenly started working out and going around punching bullies, everyone would assume it was a call for help or something.

"And similarly I can't just hang out with, say, Susan's group, as 'one of the girls'. Even in female form. I wouldn't -- what's the word when a lyric fails to fit the music properly?"

"Scan?"

"Yes, that's it. I don't scan. In either groups of guys or groups of girls. It's ... lonely.

"Huh. I hadn't thought it like that before. That's how it feels. Lonely. Even when around so many people who love me.

"Even around Grace."

* * *

"Sorry about that. You must get through an awful lot of kleenexes around here."

"No need to apologise. It's healthy to let out your emotions -- male, female or otherwise."

"Thanks."

"You mentioned Grace earlier too, with respect to her sexuality. It's true that Uryuom sexuality is usually not centred on physical appearance, so your apparent gender at any time shouldn't matter to her. Is it something else that makes you feel lonely around her?"

"Grace might be attracted to me regardless of how I present externally, but she is still female. She has a sense of her own gender, and of my gender."

"So you think she is just, let's say, role playing, for fun, when she transforms into a male form around you?"

"No, I think she's probably doing it to make me feel comfortable... oh! Gosh, I just really need to talk to her about it, don't I?"

"That's probably a good first step. But you haven't really identified why her being male makes you uncomfortable yet."

"Hmmm. Well, maybe I'm just not comfortable being aroused by a guy. Wow, that makes me a terrible person."

"Not being straight as a girl makes you feel terrible?"

"Huh, well when you put it like that. But the thing is that I _am_ aroused by it. The masculine build, the deep, caring voice, even the... the intimate parts. I just... I don't want to be dating a guy."

"So, as a girl, it sounds like you're bisexual and merely homoromantic."

"Huh. Why does that ring a bell? Yes, I suppose you're right."

"And as a guy?"

Tedd paused to think about it honestly. How _did_ he feel about Elliot? About Justin? About his female friends, switched gender at Grace's birthday party. Or Sarah more recently, showing off the new Male V5 form...

"It might be helpful if you could vocalise your thought process, Tedd"

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about how I feel about my male friends, and -- how to put it? -- some of my female friends when they are male? Yeah, that happens sometimes in my life. I haven't really thought of them like that." What would he do if Sarah had jumped him in her MV5 form? "I guess I'd try it?"

"So, as a guy, let's say heterosexual, perhaps bisexual. But romantically?"

"Romantically. Right. So who am I attracted to regardless of which sex they happen to be in at the time?"

"That's a novel way of putting it."

"Hah, well, welcome to my life." [What's my ideal romantic relationship? Grace, of course. And Sarah's adorable. Even -- no, let's not go there. But Elliot? Justin? The guys that hit on me during the card tournament?] "Romantically? It's not the guys."

"Heteroromantic, then, as a guy. I think we may have made a breakthrough."

"So... to put it another way, in both genders I'm bisexual, but romantically I'm always drawn to femininity."

"That sounds correct. Do you feel like you can talk to Grace about your worries now?"

"You know, I actually do. And I think I'm a lot less worried by it now."

"Excellent. Let's put that on our list of actions you're going to take soon. And now we just have this issue of you not feeling like you fit in with your more traditionally-gendered friends to look into."

"Yeah. Is there anything I can do to stop myself feeling like an outsider?"

"I'm a little wary of suggesting this since I know how difficult you find discussing these things with people, but I think the following would be beneficial to you. Talk to your best friend of each gender, and find out if they feel like they fit in, in the way that you feel you don't. You might be surprised."

"Well, okay..." [I already know Elliot's cool -- so cool! -- with it, and I'm pretty sure Sarah would understand too.] "But I don't see how that helps me decide which gender to pick."

"I think it's possible you're confusing the feelings about not fitting in with the issues regarding your gender expression. You can still feel like less of an outsider in your friends group, even if you never feel comfortable in just one gender or the other. That's common enough and valid enough in the non-magic world, albeit less complicated by the fact that most people can't just switch as and when they want. I know it's not much consolation to you, but those people can make it work. They just don't have a choice about using the body they were born into as a starting point rather than one they'd magically choose."

"Yeah. I know that at the moment I'm in a better situation than non-magic users." [And _how_. If I could have made magic mainsteam, I could have made life for the whole transgender community just that little less difficult. Oh, magic! How could you betray me like this?]

"I can still put you in touch with some non-magic trans support groups, if you wish."

"Maybe." [How could I make claim to be part of that community when I'm withholding such an important thing that could help them, even if revealing it now might actually take it away? Something for my next therapy session, I suppose.] "I'll talk to my friends first."


	2. Friends

**Tuesday morning**  
_Moperville North_

"Hey Sarah, are you free tonight?"

"Sure! But isn't Grace training with Nanase this evening?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to do lab work. I was hoping ... this is going to sound silly..."

"Go on, Tedd."

"Well, I was wondering if you fancied having a girly night in. You know, as girls."

"Oh! Well of course! That sounds fun. It's not silly at all."

"Okay, see you after school."

"Wait -- my place or yours?"

"Oh, I hadn't thought about it."

"Well, if it helps you make a decision, my parents are away this week. I know your Dad can be odd around you when you're female."

"Sold!"

 

**Tuesday lunchtime**  
_An out-the-way corridor in Moperville North_

"I seem to be coming up here an awful lot lately."

"Sorry, Elliot. I'd usually wait until after school to talk to you about this sort of thing, but I'm going over to Sarah's tonight, and, well I don't know how short on time I am."

"I figured this was about the whole magic trying to screw you over thing. Something still on your mind, dude?"

"Well, yes. No. Well, not exactly. I-- I don't really know how to ask this in a non-rude way."

"I'm not going to be offended, Tedd. How long have we known each other now? I don't think there's many secrets between us."

"I know. I'm not worried about offending you; more upsetting you."

"Come on Tedd, out with it."

"Okay. So a few years ago, that group of guys you used to hang out with."

"Ah. Gosh. Those jerks."

"Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry to bring it up. I-- ah, don't want to sound accusatory, but what made you feel you fit in with them?"

"Fit in with them? Hah. I never fitted in with them, Tedd. Maybe at the time I wished I did. Back then, I... I don't know. I think it's fair to say I'm not the most introspective person, and I guess through a bunch of coincidences I ended up falling in with them. I had a lot of pent-up frustration -- maybe puberty, hormones, or something else -- and I thought that sort of behaviour was a good way to let off steam. Of course, I was completely wrong."

"What made you realise?"

"The fight Justin got himself into, of course. I'd admit this to nobody but you, but I could see myself heading in that direction, and I didn't like it."

"Honestly Elliot, I'd seen you headed in that direction long before that."

"Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry I let our friendship suffer during that time."

"It's okay. Honestly, I'm proud of you. You didn't need anybody to step in and tell you you were in with the wrong crowd. You realised yourself and did something about it."

"Wow, Tedd. I thought we were here to talk about your problems, but you've ended up taking a massive weight off my shoulders that I didn't even know was there."

"It's okay, this is helpful for me too. I wondered if it had anything to do with your masculinity."

"You can be male without being macho or fragile about it, Tedd. In fact I guess you taught me that. I think that's why I don't even feel particularly out of place when I'm being Cheerleadra. I can still be male even when I have great legs and ... well, the rest. It's only the outside world that tries to make it weird. And screw those guys!"

"I don't see why it should be considered weird, especially not compared to me! Oh! Damn, you give such good hugs."

"Let's... ah, let's get to class."

 

**Tuesday evening**  
_The Brown residence_

"Hi!"

"Hey Tedd, come on in."

"Thanks. I'm Tess tonight though, remember."

"Oh, of course. Sorry, I didn't realise you were female just yet."

"Oh, I'm not yet. I brought some clothes around and I thought it would be silly to change before I ... changed."

"Tess, I've got to ask. Is this a date?"

"Oh. Oh! Gosh. No, I really just do want a girly night in. And... well, I wanted to talk to you about some things. As a girl."

"Okay, phew. I would have had _so_ many follow-up questions if you'd said yes."

* * *

"Honestly Tess, I've never painted my nails in my nightclothes on my bed with girlfriends before now. I don't think I know anybody else that would suggest it. But this is fun. I love your pyjamas, by the way."

"Thanks! I picked them up from the mall on the way over here. I usually just sleep in a t-shirt and boxer shorts."

"Yeah. So you bought the outfit you were wearing for the movie on the way here too?"

"Yes. I decided not to use magic this time. I'm trying to get a sense of what it's like to actually live as a girl."

"Is this to do with the whole magic thing?"

"Oh dear, am I that transparent? Yes. Well, sort of. Sarah, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course."

"Do you ever feel like you don't fit in with other girls?"

"Oh! Um..."

"Not that there's any reason you shouldn't! Shouldn't fit in, that is. Because you do fit in. Oh, God."

"Tess! Come, sit back down. I'm not offended, I just thought you were going to ask something else."

"Sorry."

"Don't be! Aw Tess. Do you want a hug?"

"Mhmmm."

* * *

"Ready to talk about it?"

"I think so. Thank you for being so understanding, Sarah. This stuff is really difficult for me to talk about. I just feel so guilty. Complaining I don't feel like I fit in when everyone else has much bigger worries."

"If it's troubling you then you have no reason to feel guilty. So, do I ever feel like I don't fit in around other girls? Of course I do! I think being afraid you don't fit into the group is pretty much the human condition. Or at least the teenage condition. Nobody ever seems to talk about it, but I was like that with all my friends to begin with. I'm pretty sure Susan and Catalina felt like that too at first, but we're close enough now that we're not trying to be a clique any more; we're just straight up friends."

"So your shared gender didn't really help you fit in?"

"Well, we did meet in a women-only feminist club, but no, aside from having a shared interest ... it's not like we were instantly finishing each other's sentences. Friendships take time and effort to form a lasting bond. You don't get anything for free just by being a girl. Well, nothing _good_ , anyway.

"But if you want to go and find a bunch of people who want to have pyjama parties and pillow fights or whatever you think this mythological 'regular girl'--"

"Come on, Sarah, I'm not naive enough to think that girls actually run around in skimpy costumes having pillow fights."

"Oh, there are skimpy costumes involved too, now?"

"Careful, I am in fact within reach of a pillow, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"I'm just saying, Tess, if you want to have a girly party while being a guy, you can do that! Do you think this evening would've been any different if you'd stayed in guy mode?"

"Well, I'd have been wearing less amazing pyjamas..."

"Would you? You didn't use magic to summon them. You'd look adorable in them, boobs or no boobs. Oh, is that your phone or mine?"

"It's mine. Grace just SMSed me; Nanase's car has broken down. They're going to camp out in the woods tonight."

"In the woods? What kind of training did you say they were doing?"

"I decided it was better if I didn't know."

"So... do you want to turn this into a sleepover?"

"How could I turn down those puppy eyes, Sarah?"

 

**Wednesday night**  
_Tedd's room_

"Grace? Are you still awake?"

"Mm, just. What's up, my love?"

"How would you describe me, in terms of our relationship?"

"Well, you're my boyfriend. Is that what you mean?"

"What about when I'm Tess?"

"Well then you're my girlfriend."

"And how would you describe your relationship to me?"

"I'm your girlfriend, of course. Where are you--"

"What about when you're in male form?"

"Then I'm still your girlfriend, Tedd. In the same way that I'm still your girlfriend when I'm a squirrel. It's just dressing up for me. I know it's more than that for you when you do it. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect. I love you, Grace."

"I love you too, my beautiful Tedd."


End file.
